This story is going to be different. Read it at your own risk and as always:
Today is Feb. 24, 2022, and today is not just a normal day for me. Many people do not know much about me, that has a reason. I was in a very bad situation last year. On this day I attempted suicide for the first time. At this point, I had no idea that it was just the first out of three trying in 2021. I felt heartbroken, alone, hopeless, and most of all, I felt that a gallon of heavy metal is squeezing my body and smashing my heart.
I did not have a cat yet during this, we had been put under lockdown for a year already, and I decided not to live anymore. What did I do? I took a knife and cut myself 18 times into my leg, YES 18 TIMES because I did not want to move anymore. I wanted to stop running, walking, moving: in my head, and physically. The scars are still there, and I believe they will never ever be gone anymore, same with the ones on my arm. I have shaved these areas for the time last weekend, and I showed them to my friends. They were shocked and I said I look at this, they are still there.
I can tell you one thing. When life decides to fuck with you, you have two choices: either you fight back, or you let yourself go. I have always been and shall be one of those who will let herself go. Writing this makes me cry. The words "let yourself go" have tremendous meaning for me. They are the whole base of why I am living, thought by a person I still love, miss, and remember even nine years have passed already.
My head is full of important decisions I had to make today, because either I will be off for another month or not. My heart is telling me: yes go for it and I am worried and anxious whether if 2000 dollars are enough for 24 days or not to survive. You might think that this is a lot, but I am a luxury girl, living literally in the luxury residences of the Philippines. It has to be enough. I will cook a lot of food by myself during this time, just pay for the needed things, and nothing else. I am doing this for my own health. It is the right choice. It is what I want to do. I will follow my heart. All this makes my day, Feb. 24, 2022, a day to remember in my life.
