It took me several years to put all the pieces together about my sexuality. For most of my life, I thought it was very straightforward and did not know how to describe what I was and was not experiencing. After learning about the asexuality spectrum in my 20s, however, I found out that there was a name for my experiences and my sexuality: demisexual. 

 

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person does not experience sexual attraction towards anyone of any gender. This is not an illness or a lack of hormones — this is a natural and normal sexual orientation. Within asexuality, a spectrum of orientations captures experiences where someone may rarely feel sexual attraction or only feel it under a specific circumstance.

 

Demisexuality is one of these orientations housed under the asexual umbrella. It means that a person only has sexual attraction after a close bond is formed. What this looks like is different for every demisexual — just as when discussing any orientation, it is essential to keep in mind that everyone experiences the world in their way. For me, this means a close emotional bond needs to be formed romantically, and it also means that most of my close relationships do not involve sexual attraction. In my life, I have probably only genuinely had sexual attraction 5 or 6 times. Because of this, I also identify with the label “gray sexual,” also referred to as “gray ace,” which is when someone rarely feels a sexual attraction.

 

Please keep in mind that these are based on my experiences as an American millennial in my late 20s and that your experiences may differ. Also, please keep in mind that no one list or person can tell you your sexual orientation except you — this is just meant to be a helpful reflection on experiences. Without further ado, here are seven signs that you might also be demisexual.

 

When you read about demisexuality, you immediately think, “isn’t that how everyone is?”

It’s essential to keep in mind that there is a difference between waiting for a relationship to get serious before having sex and only having sexual attraction at all if a relationship — Platonic or romantic — becomes serious. Most people abstain from having sex until their relationship reaches a certain level of trust, and because of this, there is much confusion about demisexuality. After all, if we’re also waiting to have sex, doesn’t that make this not worth naming?

The critical thing to keep in mind is that in demisexuality, sexual attraction is only felt after the bond is formed. Typically, that means that the experience towards other people is primarily asexual. When I experience sexual attraction, I do not start sharing it in ways that my allosexual (not ace) friends talk about. Instead of it being something I feel towards people I find physically attractive, it is only towards the person I currently share a close bond with.

Demisexuality is likely more common than we think — but it is not an allosexual experience of waiting until a relationship is serious about having sex, either.

 

You’ve spent much time wondering if you’ve felt or are feeling sexual attraction.

“What is sexual attraction” and “what does sexual attraction feel like” is a question I see often asked on social media when talking about asexuality. Many of those who are ace in one way or another have spent our lives pretending that we were feeling what we saw others in our media and our peer groups feel while quietly wondering, “Is this right? Am I doing this right?”

I have had sexual attraction a few times in my life, as I mentioned earlier. It is hard to precisely define what that feels like when I’m not experiencing it (as I am not as I write this), but I can tell you that it is incredibly distinct when it happens. This is even more true if it’s not something you’re used to feeling. You’re just sitting there, thinking about the person you’re interested in, wondering if you actually want to kiss them yet or if that’s just what’s expected, and suddenly, your body says that it wants to do more than a kiss, and you’re like “Oh… Oh.”

I don’t know how to describe it beyond that without going into more explicit detail. What I do know is that after reading about asexuality, I spent much time asking myself if I was asexual after all but just wanted to please my partners. To an extent, this was true — but then I remembered that a few times I had had a sexual attraction towards a person and thought, “No, I can’t be asexual.” The thing was, I’m not — but I am living an experience related to asexuality.

You don’t understand pornography.

I know this isn’t true of every ace person; I could write an entire essay on the differences between arousal and attraction. I might at some point. Very basically, arousal is a response to currently happening stimuli, and attraction is the desire for that stimuli even when it isn’t present.

A good analogy is a hunger. Arousal would be looking at a doughnut and realizing, “Oh, I really want to eat that, even though I didn’t want it earlier. It looks so good.” Hunger would be, “Two weeks ago I ate a doughnut and I keep thinking about how it tasted, and I really want another one, and I need to buy it at the second bakery on Maine Street because they’re the place that makes the doughnuts I like best.”
Porn, though — porn is something I have just never understood. I have seen some. I’ve tried to figure out the appeal. Furthermore, I’ve heard my friends talk about it and joke that “well everyone watches porn!” and when I told them no, I don’t actually, they gave me funny looks and insisted I was just embarrassed about watching it. The idea of watching strangers have sex is just so odd to me and always has been, that I still don’t know what to do with myself when the topic is brought up in conversation.

I have talked to aces who watch porn, so I want to avoid saying that this is a definitive sign that you’re asexual or demisexual. For me, looking back, it was a pretty big indication that I wasn’t allosexual. It might be a sign for you, too.

 

 The only times you’ve had a sexual attraction was when you were close to the person.

I think this was the most significant indicator for me. I sat down one day and thought about it, and the only times I could remember being sexually attracted to anyone was when I was very, very close to the person. Furthermore, I couldn’t think of an instance where my sexual attraction outside that situation wasn’t just me trying to pretend so that I didn’t feel like the odd one out.

This is essentially the definition of demisexuality — only being sexually attracted to people when you have a close emotional bond with them — but it’s not something I had ever thought about until the idea was presented to me. If this is the only time you can recall being sexually attracted to another person, you may be onto something.
You don’t understand the sexual attraction to strangers and celebrities.

One of the most significant indicators that I was demisexual was realizing that while I like looking at people, and I find people attractive, I am usually not attracted to them in a way that goes beyond just liking how they look to me. This is called aesthetic attraction, and for me, it’s usually as far as my feelings go. There is no desire to become close. There is no physical desire. It’s like looking at a painting or a sunset — pleasant to the eye but otherwise neutral.

I didn’t realize that when people talked about being sexually attracted to people on TV, they weren’t joking or exaggerating until I was in my 20s. That’s a little embarrassing to admit, but it’s true. If that’s something you relate to, you may want to read up on asexuality and the asexual spectrum.

Sex isn’t something you care that much about when you start dating someone new.

You might enjoy sex. You might not. Not only that, but you might feel utterly neutral towards it. Regardless of how you think about having sex, one sign that you may be demisexual is that sex isn’t a part of your dating plan — sometimes for the entire relationship.

One of the first indications that I was demisexual was talking to an ex about how I perceived sexual attraction. I told her that sex wasn’t the most important thing for me and that it wasn’t something I thought about for my first, second, or third date — I just wanted to hang out and have a good conversation. She told me that this sounded to her like demisexuality. At the time, I brushed it off, but it stuck in my head. She was onto something, and now I understand what.

What you want in a relationship and what your relationship needs can sometimes be hard to pin down. Most people know, however, if they want sex to be a part of that relationship. If sex is just not on your table, or you feel neutral towards it when the relationship begins and only care about it if a close bond develops, you might be demisexual.
Finally: You’re reading this.

If you’re reading this because you’ve been trying to figure out who you are and how your sexuality relates to the world around you, there’s probably a reason for that.

You might not be demisexual. You might have just read this and thought, “Well, this just confirms that I am not demisexual.” And that’s okay. The purpose of this is not to tell anyone definitively what their sexuality is or isn’t.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Wait, I really feel like this describes me and my experiences,” I would encourage you to check out resources like The Demisexual Resource Center, Indian Aces, AZE Journal, and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, or AVEN.

Whatever you decide, whatever you find, know that it’s something you’re allowed to be. There is nothing wrong with you. And if you are demisexual, welcome to the club.