We are born as humans and it does not matter if you are straight, gay, lesbian, pan, or anything else. It is not about your orientation that matters. It is still the fact that we are all humans that matters. Respect, tolerate, be open, love, and live your life in the way you want to. Parents, do not deny who your children are. Love them and share your love. The family should be strong together. I never had received love from my dad or mama for who I am. I remember that I was 14 years old and I told my mama that I wanted to have leather pants and she was screaming for my dad and both said you're not gay so no. That hurt so much. If you have the chance to love your kids for who they are please do so. If you have the chance to protect them because of the fact they are not straight, please protect them. Be there for them. It is still your kid. And if you are in the same situation I can tell you that it is going to be better, you are not alone. We do not have to fight against each other in the community, we are in the same spot. I wish we could be strong together and stop hating each other. We are a minority, but we are humans. We all have our own stories and I think we should not be shy to share our stories. We all have our own experiences that made us who we are. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. We all should listen to each other and be respectful. Listen to our stories and try to help and understand things.
Today is December 8, 2019, and I thought as a special celebration for this special day I will share my coming out story for the very first time. I never shared this story with anyone, not even with my close people. So it is a very special post for me on that very special day when we celebrate the pansexual pride day (do not confuse it with the pansexual and panromantic visibility day that is on May 24). So without further reduction let's start.
I was 14 years old when I found out that I was different than others. Something was happening in the school that opened my eyes that I am in love with leather. I developed that thing since that day. So there was this classmate. Her name was Maria and she decided for just one day to dress up in a whole leather outfit including Miss Sixty Harriett leather pants, a leather jacket, and a leather top. From that moment on I knew that I am in love with leather. And this is what that awesome leather pants looked like.
It has its very own design at the ass with these flares going down to the leg.
I wish I had a chance to get them again because when I was a kid these pants have been my absolute favorite. I bought them when I was 20 years old and I had 3 of them, one in brown which was super rare, and two in black so I can switch and not over-wear them. In fact, when I was studying at University I had 24 leather pants in all possible different colors. There was in one day I was at the university when I decided to start collecting them. My actual dream was during that time that I will open my very own leather clothes shop and maybe I still can do so when I am here in the Philippines. That would be a dream come true actually. Nowadays I have 18 vinyl leggings and pants, and 4 leather leggings. I switched to vinyl because I like it more and it feels more comfortable.
So thanks to Maria that she came into school completely in leather but that explains only why I am a fetish queen, but when did I find out that I am pan and demisexual?
I had a lot of people and flirts when I was younger and they were girls and boys at the same time but maybe that will lead to me being bi? No! When I was 27 years old I met a girl from the US. Her name was Cathy. We met online and she was the one I had the most exciting and craziest relationship I ever had so far. She was the one who made me the person I am today. She was the one I had the best time with when I was in the ages of the 20th. She was the one I still remember so deep and clear that it is actually insane even though it turned out to be toxic and dangerous to be with her. Do you know that feeling when you are far away from someone you are deeply in love with but that strong bond makes you feel like that this person is so close to you? We had that kind of relationship. We could feel each other like we were sitting beside each other. We could feel each other's breath and our heartbeat, and we knew about the thoughts of the other person even without seeing each other. Why was she the one that made to the person I am today? Because I followed all her commands and words. I was not on earth anymore. When we were talking we entered our own world, we did things together that were so unreal. I am talking about sharing love and emotions on a level that is not normal anymore even though we were so many kilometers away from each other. We were like teenagers heavily stoned and running all night long like Martyrs looking for a high level of love, chasing it, and finally reaching the end of the rainbow. We were young and stupid.
And while reading you may notice that there are still a lot of emotions in my words that will explain that I am demisexual. A demisexual is a type of sexual identity where people do not feel or experience any type of sexual attraction toward their partner unless they form a certain strong emotional connection. This terminology comes from a sexual orientation that is in between sexual and asexual orientations. However, it does not mean that a demisexual has incomplete or half sexuality. It simply means that without emotional intimacy, there is no sexual attraction formed. Moreover, the level of intimacy varies from one person to another. It also does not mean that there is no sexuality without emotional intimacy. Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction. Demisexuality is a part of the asexual spectrum and is not invalid sexuality. It means that the person is unable to feel sexual attraction to another person unless there is a strong friendship between them. Some people may think that this is just 'hetero people searching for attention but it really isn't. Demi from greek means half that means your halfway asexual halfway whatever-you-are. There are Demi-hetero, demi-homo, demi-bi, demi-pan and so much more. It is an orientation that is not chosen. And since we had that strong and more than emotional bond I figured out that I am demisexual. It is just inside of you, you cannot develop that kind of feelings for people by a choice. It is coming from your heart and since Cathy found a place in my heart she will always be there. That is what demisexual means. That feeling stays with you forever even if you do not see the person anymore or you are separated. You cannot remove that feeling you had for that person anymore. That is the exact explanation of why I am pansexual, too. Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others. In my Glossar I said that having a sexual or romantic attraction to people of all genders is the best and shortest description of the word pansexual. And I think that it is pretty much the exact meaning. When I am walking through the streets I see people as people and I do not even develop the thought of not being able to have an attraction to none of them no matter who they are. It is just there. There is no limitation of genders I can have an attraction to. Pans are not bisexual people, not gay or lesbian, trans or bi, everything is possible.
How did I find out that I am pansexual? It is because of Cathy again. Because Cathy was a person or better a mixture of all possible genders. She was a girl physically, but she was also a man sometimes based on her moods and I mean like a men-man. She was also a queer dress queen because of the way she dressed up. Sometimes like a queen, sometimes like a man, sometimes in fetish outfits with rubber and vinyl, sometimes even naked. That is also the reason for me becoming a vinyl leggings queen right now and I have to say that she introduced me to all the dark mode fetish things and her style of being a dome with styling rubber and vinyl influenced me a lot. She was all in one. She made me realize because of her very own special way that there many things to discover still about your sexuality. She was that person without limitations, how people can be and also of no genders. She opened my eyes that I am pansexual. I remember one night I was sitting with my best friends on new years eve and we were playing poker and drinking Bacardi. All of a sudden we started to talk about our sexual attractions and orientations and I said I do not know what or who I am but my best friend said I know who you are and you are pan. That was the first time I heard about the word and I was 28 years old already. I refused that accept that term for myself but since last year I do not do that anymore because it is true and he knew already way before I even started to think about it. Cathy changed my life. She changed everything inside of me and helped to become a better person. I do not love her anymore but I will always have feelings for her because I am demisexual. Our relationship lasted for more than one and a half years. It was crazy and intense, and even though I did things with her that was super dangerous in the end I am happy that I met her. I forgive her for what she said in the end. We are both free people now and we have both found our new life after our relationship. We both found new people we fell in love with and we both improved.
There are still some more orientations I have. I am l-oriented, meaning that only girls have been the people yet I was in a relationship. I am also a leather-loving person, of course, everyone can see that. I am non-binary, which means when a person’s gender identity doesn’t fit inside traditional male or female categories (sometimes called the gender binary). I see myself as a girl, and I am living the life of a girl with all that belongs to it but that part of me being gender-fluid is also important for me as a kind of protection for myself. I am also Gender nonconforming, which means when a person’s gender expression doesn’t fit inside traditional male or female categories (sometimes called the gender binary). But I am not a transgender. Living the life of a girl is enough and fine for me as of now.
So, all in all, I am a demisexual, pansexual, panromantic, non-binary, gender non-binary, gender-non-conforming, genderfluid, l-oriented, leather loving, and fetish queen made an as a unicorn still living a life of a girl. Girls will be girls, always, special and awesome. This is my coming-out story. Thank you if you have read everything until the end. Have a lovely day and happy pansexual pride day everyone.
