Hello Loves,
it is me Lovely,
herself,
and today I just wanted to give you an update on my current CBT journey.
If you have missed the first part, please read it first to understand what I am talking about and then come back and continue to read here.
I have been taken Zoloft for two weeks already and there are a couple of things that I have discovered already while being on treatment.
My mind became more silent, that is a fact for sure. I can now understand whenever there is a voice talking to me and what it says. The noise that made me going crazy in February is now deemed and I have a quiet and silent period of time during daylight. At night there are these periods of time when I feel forces wanting me pulling down. They are strong and it really takes a lot of energy and power to fight against them. If you constantly climb a mountain that almost doesn't want to end, then at some point you will realize that you no longer have the strength to climb any further. Sometimes it feels like I'm carrying a large panda bear that is getting heavier and heavier. And this state then lingers for several hours, maybe 8 or 9 hours and I cannot find a solution for it. On Saturday I would have just wished that I would just wake up and no longer have to exist. Sometimes I just think about what's wrong with me. Am I just not good enough for this world? Am I just a grain of dust in the air and if I get caught in a filter, everything that doesn't make any sense ends? Can I just wake up and just think nothing, know nothing, and just enjoy life? That would be a dream.
“Just think positively!” Or “Think of something else!” Are not particularly helpful when dealing with negative thoughts. Because thoughts cannot be suppressed. I don't want to neglect or suppress them at all. It is important for me to know what I am feeling. I mean I am pansexual and therefore feelings are essential for me to live. You cannot ignore necessary thoughts. But constantly brooding over a problem does not usually lead to a solution. I try to follow my therapist's tips and advice, but it is not easy as I have never thought about such thoughts and techniques.
Every day, it gives me the opportunity to seek out how to be better. For comfort means death. We must be uncomfortable to seek better successes. My self-doubts give me the challenges that I can create wins by overcoming them. That is what I am trying to focus on right now. After two weeks of being in treatment, I realized that I have to do baby steps first before making a larger impact on my well-being.
Just wanted to give you an update on how I am doing right now because a lot of people are curious about that and have reached out to me recently and I really do appreciate those of you who have done so.
Thank you for your love and support, and I will be back soon with more updates on my current journey during my CBT. XoXo, Love <3
