I stand at a crossroads in my life, wondering which direction I am supposed to take.
So many things have come to an end recently. So many transitions have occurred to bring me to this point; changes that demand a reaction, an adjustment in the course of my life.
One road looks safe and familiar, with easy resistance. It is well-lit, and I can see it is more or less a continuation of my past, an avenue of my day-to-day living.
As I ponder that choice closer, I find myself wondering if it would be living, really living; or if it would be just existing.
There is no fear in this choice because I have lived on this road for most of my adult life, with various side trips that all ultimately led me back to the same safe existence.
It seems to me that to just carry on from day to day, would not be living. It would be sitting in the same box, watching each day pass from my sight, safe and secure but with no real eternal value.
I turn and look in the other direction, and I feel an uneasy fear begin to take hold.
This road is not lit with familiarity. It is full of twists and turns and upward climbs that hide what is ahead of me. I cannot see the outcome or where I would end up on the other side. I cannot see the potholes and stumbling blocks that litter that path.
It is definitely outside my comfort zone. It is outside the safe box from which I have watched my life go by.
I weigh my choices, knowing that I have to choose. I cannot go back, I must go forward. But to go forward, I must make the choice of which direction to go.
I pause, trying to see down that road, groping blindly for some sense of direction into the unknown.
I take my options and hold them up to the Lord, asking for His wisdom and guidance, asking for His will in this decision.
And then I see it. A tiny light coming through the darkness. It grows steadily, and I feel hands reaching out to take mine; hands that still bear the scars made by nails.
As those hands grip mine, a sense of peace and joy fills my soul and I hear Him whisper, “Follow Me. Do not lean on your understanding.”
I want to ask questions, but He tells my heart, “Follow Me. Do not be afraid. I will be with you all the way.”
I feel the pull of those hands as he urges me to follow Him, and I step forward.
Question: Which road would you take?
I thought I was living the “real life” three years ago, but oh, this was a sweet, carefree life in retrospect. I have to manage life in a city with almost 8 million people and constantly have to make sure I am not broke in the middle of the month as life in Taguig is just so expensive. I cannot simply go back home when there’s a problem, which I have to manage myself. I have greater responsibility, as no one tells you how and when to do something — but the deadline is set. And all, so often, I just have to inhale deeply as stress is something that has become part of my life. Real stress. I can only call myself a student for roughly three more months. I am beginning to stress out about my future, about being — or having to be — an adult.
And here we are. I am facing many changes and see more responsibilities fast approaching. And with changes come choices. With choices come decisions, and the latter is what I am facing now. Regarding my prospects, life requires me to decide. I find myself standing at a crossroads. I feel it would be better not to be an adult.
I prefer not to make such important decisions. But I know I have to, for there is no other way around. Nevertheless, what do you do if you know that, on the one hand, you have this desire to go see and explore the world, find employment abroad, yet, on the other hand, you know that this decision is having massive consequences in that you will hurt a person you care about? What if your restlessness is so strong that you simply know staying is not an option, for you, want to live your life with no regrets? However, you are aware of the fact leaving will be a hell of an emotional roller-coaster ride, which might actually lead to regrets? These are your choices. This is your life. This is my life and no matter what chapter it was, I always wanted to have more freedom of decision-making.
Now that I am facing one of the hardest decisions no one can help me with, I just wish someone would decide for me. It’s wishful thinking. Welcome to maturity, where every hard decision will have consequences you cannot foresee — or maybe you can, but this makes things even more difficult. I have to decide in a grown-up manner, in a rational way.
I am completely self-determined now and have realized that I actually know very little about real life.
And this is when I think about how easy it was back in high school.
