SENSITIVE CONTENT IN THIS POST BASED ON A TRUE STORY
I went through the darkest moment a person can have in his or her life. I went through darkness, and I met the devil who introduced himself as a friend. He guided me to the world of death. I decided to talk about it and maybe it will help me in a way that I can handle being still alive in a better way, to become a better person, to take off memories, and relieve some thoughts. So I will take you on a journey that left a lovely person behind and that created a person with a broken heart and almost no hope. And this is my story about my experiences before that day when I wanted to kill myself.
This the final story of this Season. This is Chapter 10 - EXIT
7 weeks later
My best friend was dead and I felt like I am the murderer of her. In those difficult years, I felt so low, confused, and lost and did not know which way to turn. There were times when I felt suicidal. I had thought of ways of killing myself – playing it through my mind like a little movie. I thought of how it would look and how all those I knew would react to it. Those thoughts really frightened me at the time. I used to say to myself “how can this be … how could you be thinking this way-” When I look back on it now I find it really hard to believe it was me.
It all got that way because I just felt so helpless and confused and didn’t know what to do or which way to turn. I thought it was the only thing to do to make all the pain and anxiety go away. You may think you have nowhere to turn or that it is all hopeless. But you have to believe that things will get better. I sought help from all sources – friends, family, and doctors. While at times it felt like all the help and advice only made things worse I knew that having people around to talk to did in the end bring me around and help resolve things. A psychologist I saw said that given what I was going through he was surprised I had not turned to kill myself yet but he knew that I was taking drugs and drinking. I suffered the loss of my best friend.
And then there was this question I was asking myself over and over again. Why had this beautiful, talented girl – a much-loved daughter, sister, and friend ended her life in such a seemingly tragic manner? These factors combined with an anxious personality and I became very sick. I started to deal with major depressions during that time and then there was still my friend who was still talking to me. He did not approach me for the past 7 weeks but one night he decided to come back. And today I want to talk about this last dialogue we had and how it ended.
It was around 7 pm on the 7th Sunday after the terrible accident. I heard breathing behind me and I turned around and realized very quickly that it was the devil one more time.
"Oh it is you, well I did not miss you."
"Haven't you seen me being in the car? If you would have taken a closer look and stopped it earlier nothing would have happened."
"What do you mean?"
"The other car that hit yours and pushed you from the bridge...it was me. You did not see it."
"What...?"
"The murderer in the train it was me, too. You did not see that as well? The red sky on that day was me. It was always me. The guy who attacked you in the park was me. I was there always. You have not seen me at all? Was it really needed that I kill your friend first before you break down and let yourself go? I told you we can dance together but at that moment you did not listen to me. You never did. You are just a whore, a bad bitch, a fucking cunt that I fucked up..."
I said: "Stop it go away..."
The devil answered: "No, I cannot go away anymore and you know that I am taking you with me. You knew that from the beginning. Do you remember that I told once you have taken my hand we will be together forever? Once you get into an engagement with me it will never be over anymore. I said that I will show you Jade's Heaven because it is so lovely to be in that place. I can bring you there tonight. All that is needed to go there is to end your pain, to end your suffering, and I will take you to that amazing new home. Be honest, you do not want to be here anymore. You want to be with your best friend again right? She is missing you, she needs you, she is a lost soul without you, and I can help you to be together with her again."
I was overwhelmed, tears were running down my face, my brain was super fucked up, my heart hurt too bad, and I could not breathe anymore.
The devil said one last thing: “Imagine you driving in your car and it's typical hot summer's day, The car has no ac so it's hot. The heat is on you. Suddenly you look up and instinctively you break, your heart is your mouth and fear is on you. You think you're going to run into the rear end of the car in front. But then I am there. I will always be with you and open the door to Jade's Heaven and at the top of the door it says welcome Lovely.”
This is how the pain of depression felt at the time. It felt this way a lot On that day, I was in the shower. No one was at home. The pain was terrific. I thought of something and then for the next 10 minutes, the pain got so terrible that I dropped to the floor and I crawled to the phone, desperate for help. I was confused. Maybe I wasn't dealing with an emotional situation that had developed, very well. But why would an emotional situation cause this pain - I didn't know the answer.
When the knife goes through your skin and you are so numb already that you do not feel any pain anymore everything because meaningless. Everything inside of you is just making a wish to end things. So I took not just one cut on my arms.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
on the right and
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
on the left arm.
My body was covered with blood and in my back, there was this dark evil shadow that I was calling the devil the whole time and it was counting again
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
and right after that count 7, I fainted and I realized that it was me, all the time. It was me, the devil, and the evil inside who took me on that journey through the chapter 1 to 10. I expanded myself from being Lovely, invited Jade, and together will go to Heaven either up or down, but from that moment on we went together until now.
I learned how to appreciate evil. I became stronger because of that. I would not be here anymore without this experience. It is a part of my life. If you are in the same situation like I was 7 years ago I can tell you just hang in there, do not give up fighting, you will be better one day again as I will be...
I am proud of the choice I made to open up to the people in my life. Even if they did not understand depression and the whole story in this book, they understood that a person needed help. Not once was I ever made to feel weak or like a burden by anyone who knew. My story isn't about 'mono'. My story is about depression and the evil combined with it and as soon as it becomes a part of your life it can be super dangerous and end into something we do not want to happen. Reach out if you feel like you are losing control.
I feel lucky to be alive and in my heart, I always remember that I am strong enough to overcome it. Ego has no place in illness, whether it be physical or emotional. If a friend came to me about her depression, I would rather she call me a hundred times a day, every day, than to never hear her voice again.
~When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.~
